As my wife is vegetarian, a plump turkey or goose is out of the question for Christmas dinner. Some kind of nut roast or quorn-based cheat-meat would seem the obvious alternative, yet we eat this stuff so regularly throughout the year that it hardly seems special. So a few years back, I developed what has now become a seasonal tradition in the Brown household: I see how many types of vegetable I can get into one big Christmas meal.
Last year’s effort reached around 30. Could I do better this year? Hell yes.
Christmas dinner, raw.
I managed to incorporate 43 vegetable products into our Christmas dinner. 44 if you include the grapes in the wine. Here’s how it turned out:
Five a day? Pah. Try 43.
And here’s what it looked like 30 minutes later:
Bring on the pudding.
So you’re probably wondering what was in my vegetable menagerie. The complete list is given below, accompanied by some horticultural trivia. I learnt two key things compiling the list: (1) Many seemingly distinct vegetables (e.g. cabbage, sprouts, cauliflower, broccoli) are actually variants of the same species; (2) to a close approximation, all the world’s vegetables are grown in China.
Roots and tubers
Celeriac ( Apium graveolens ) Despite its unappetizing appearance, cerleriac can be eaten raw.
Parsnip ( Pastinaca sativa ) The parsnip was originally Mediterranean and was brought to Northern Europe by the Romans.
Turnip ( Brassica rapa ) Pliny the Elder (and Baldric from Blackadder) considered the turnip to be among the most important of all vegetables.
Swede ( Brassica napobrassica ) Americans know this vegetable as rutabaga; the Irish, confusingly, call it ‘turnip’.
Beetroot ( Beta vulgaris ) The distinctive colour is caused by the molecule betanin, which is indigestible and can therefore lead to red urine and poop.
Sweet potato ( Ipomoea batatas ) Although the plant originates from South America, and was domesticated there some 5000 years ago, China is now the greatest producer, growing 80% of the world’s supply.
Potato ( Solanum tuberosum ) There are around 4000 varieties of potato. Collect them all. Also, Idaho has its own museum devoted to the humble spud.
Carrot ( Daucus carota ) In former times, carrots were commonly cultivated in white and yellow forms. Since the 18th century, the orange variety has dominated.
Onion family
Garlic ( Allium sativum ) China is by far the largest producer of garlic (12 million tonnes annually).
Shallot ( Allium oschaninii ) Cutting a shallot, like an onion, releases the gas syn-propanethial-S-oxide, causing the familiar watering of the eyes.
Spring onions ( Allium wakegi ) This onion has many names around the world, including the scallion and salad onion. The Welsh sometimes refer to them as gibbons (pronounced jib-uns).
Onion ( Allium cepa ) I’m cheating with this one – it was only in the gravy.
Assorted green things
Cauliflower ( Brassica oleracea ) Cauliflowers have a fractal dimension of 2.88. Any mathematicians who can explain what that means?
Broccoli ( Brassica oleracea ) Actually the same species as the cauliflower, sprouts and broccoli.
Brussels sprouts ( Brassica oleracea ) The, to some people, offputting smell of sprouts can be avoided by not overcooking.
Cabbage ( Brassica oleracea ) Once again, China rules the world in cabbage production, growing six times the amount of the second producer, India.
Asparagus ( Asparagus officinalis ) After eating asparagus, some people can detect a foetid odour in their urine. Everyone produces ‘asparagus pee’, but only 22% of the population have the ability to smell it.
Celery ( Apium graveolens ) The same species as celeriac – celery is the stalk while celeriac is the roots.
Spinach ( Spinacia oleracea ) Popeye’s favourite nibble was originally cultivated in Nepal before spreading throughout the world.
Red cos ( Lactuca sativa ) The word ‘cos’ either takes its name from the Greek island, or from the Arabic word for this lettuce, khus.
Green Batavia ( Lactuca sativa ) Same species as above, and the only item in my Christmas dinner not mentioned on Wikipedia.
Rocket ( Eruca sativa ) This peppery leaf was considered an aphrodisiac by the Romans.
Fruit
Butternut Squash ( Cucurbita moschata ) Originated in Mexico.
Courgette ( Cucurbita pepo ) In 2005, this was voted as the 10th most popular ‘vegetable’ in the UK.
Tomato ( Solanum lycopersicum ) The tomato was first cultivated by the Aztecs, who called them xitomatl. There are now more than 7500 varieties.
Aubergine ( Solanum melongena ) Botanically, the aubergine, or eggplant, is actually a berry.
Olives ( Olea europaea ) Another cheat – this one only entered my meal via olive oil.
Black peppercorn ( Piper nigrum ) Now common to every dining table, pepper was once a prized spice. Its acquisition led to many voyages of exploration and skirmishes between nations.
Capsicums
Chilli pepper ( Capsicum annuum ) The chemical that gives chillies their hotness is 8-methyl-N-vanillyl-6-nonenamide, more commonly called capsaicin.
Red pepper ( Capsicum annuum )
Herbs
Parsley ( Petroselinum crispum ) Parsley is very closely related to parsnips (and may grow similar root vegetables in some varieties), yet their similar names are coincidence.
Basil ( Petroselinum crispum ) This plant’s name comes from the Greek word for king (basileus), because it was said to be found on the spot where Constantine and St Helen found the true cross.
Bay leaf ( Laurus nobilis ) The only component of my meal that didn’t get eaten. Bay leaves should be removed from dishes before serving – they’re perfectly edible, but have an unpleasant texture.
Thyme ( Thymus vulgaris ) On several occasions, I’ve found a black and red insect (dead) in a packet of thyme. Not sure what it is – any ideas?
Beans/pulses
Peas ( Pisum sativum ) The pea has an honoured place in the history of genetics, thanks to Gregor Mendal. In UK citizens of a certain age and sense of humour, it is more likely to conjure up images of John Major, who was famously lampooned on the puppet show Spitting Image for his fondness for the pea.
Runner Beans ( Phaseolus coccineus ) Contains poisonous lectins so shouldn’t be eaten raw.
Sugar snaps ( Pisum sativum ) Hmm, no facts to be found.
Mangetout ( Pisum sativum ) One of the first crops to be cultivated, originating on the Thai-Burma border 12,000 years ago.
Boston beans ( Unknown ) These are a variety of fine bean or green bean from Kenya marketed exclusively by Marks and Spencers.
Kidney beans ( Phaseolus vulgaris ) Many common beans are actually varieties of the same species, including borlotti, pinto and black beans.
Chickpeas ( Cicer arietinum ) Ground chickpeas have often been used as a substitute for coffee, notably in Germany during WWII.
Cereals
Baby corn ( Zea mays ) The taste, texture and nutritional value of baby corn are little affected by cooking, so you might as well serve it almost raw.
Sweet corn ( Zea mays ) The sweet taste of this variant comes from a recessive mutation in the genes which control conversion of sugar to starch inside the endosperm.
Quite a platter. Of course, next year I’m going to have to go for fifty.
Feel free to leave your own vegetable trivia in the comments.